This is what being a parent of a tween and two teens can reduce a
person to: Picture a mom with arms flailing about, hair standing on end,
eyes bouncing wildly and teeth clenched. She could very well be
sputtering, or perhaps growling a little bit like a cornered animal.
Handling our first teen wasn’t so bad. But when teen No. 2
came on the scene, and No. 3 turned into a tween, that’s when things
went haywire. I realized I needed some advice. I needed to know I was
not alone. I needed some backup, and fast, so I got myself down to the
library.
Searching “teen parenting” in the library catalog, I came
up with a nice long list of books to choose from. This is perfect, I
said. Within this list, surely I will find The Way — the way to survive
life with three teenagers.
Here’s a selection:
“Inside the Teenage Brain: Parenting a Work in Progress.”
Go inside the teenage brain? Does the author think I have
a death wish? I can only imagine what kind of synapse shootout or
drunken-hormone, mood-altering dance party is going on inside our teens’
brains. If I go in, I might never get out.
“Grow the Tree You Got & 99 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Adolescents and Teenagers.”
Oh, these teenagers are amazing, all right — amazingly
ridiculous. And that part about “growing” a “tree” — would the book
include tips on how to prune those pesky teenage “branches” that are out
of control, snaring everyone within their reach?
This one sounded really good: “Have a New Teenager by Friday: From Mouthy and Moody to Respectful and Responsible in 5 Days.”
This reminds me of a parenting trend from the 1990s. You
could supposedly potty-train your child using this intensive three-day
method of following your diaper-free kid around the house with a
portable potty. It was messy but effective. I assume this five-day
method for a “new” teenager would be equally messy. But would it be
effective?
“I’d Listen to My Parents if They’d Just Shut Up: What to Say and Not Say When Parenting Teens.”
Hmmmm. Is there a companion piece called “I’d Love It if My Teen Would Just Zip It”?
Here’s another: “You Can’t Scare Me — I Have a Teenager: A Parent’s Basic Survival Guide.”
Oh, I’m already scared — scared I won’t survive the three
versions of teenagers currently roosting in our house. Does this
“survival guide” include emergency protection for mood swings, hysterics
and manic meltdowns?
Other titles included “What Do You Expect? She’s A
Teenager!: A Hope and Happiness Guide for Moms With Daughters,” “Yes,
Your Teen is Crazy,” and “The Agony and the Agony: Raising a Teenager
Without Losing Your Mind.”
And then there was this one:
“Protecting Your Teen From Today’s Witchcraft: A Parent’s Guide to Confronting Wicca and the Occult.”
Finally! A teen problem I haven’t experienced yet.
I think I’ll start with that one.
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